127 of 365...My Turn

So I guess it's my turn to have a little panic attack about the fostering/adoption process. I think it all started around 11:30 this morning when several of our friends and family received a reference letter from our Family Specialist. I happened to be with one of my friends when she received the email and I got a "sneak peek" at what was being asked.

I really do feel like this whole process is guilty until proven innocent. I immediately started doubting myself as a person and a parent. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so people generally know when I'm stressed out. How do I handle stress???? Depends...I can shut down all together. I can yell and scream until I get my point across. I blog. I Facebook. I turn to my friends for advice. More often than not, when I'm stressed out and feel totally lost, I call Geek Boy because he is my true sounding board. He is amazing at handling stress. He is great at calming me down and just listening. Are any of these traits productive in raising a foster child? I don't know but I feel I'm totally screwed in this area.

So when my friend let me see some of the questions, my heart sank and I got sick to my stomach. She has seen me stressed out and more often than not I have not handled myself appropriately. I can remember totally losing it and she literally had to hold me up and walk me to her office to calm me down.

How am I going to handle myself in these stressful situations? I'm sure in most fostering situations I will have to handle and deal with stress right on the spot. So I really have to dig deep and figure out how I'm going to be prepared.

There is just so much to do before the home study and I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of filling out paperwork, which will not end after we become licensed. I'm sick of second guessing every conversation I have with my girls wondering if they'll talk about this or that during the home study and how it will be perceived by our Family Specialist. I'm sick of worrying about putting together a damn scrapbook so we can do a match adoption. I'm sick of worry about locking up all of our medication. I'm sick of thinking about how we can provide structure to a child that is in the system. I'm sick of trying to figure out what age child we want to take in. I'm sick of worrying about Geek Boy getting the man cave ALLLL cleared out. I'm sick of worrying about finances. I'm sick of not knowing the unknown.

Well my laptop is about to die so I better wrap up this blog and try to get some sleep.