Rut

I'm in a rut and not sure how to get out.  A friend of mine summed it up best when she told me she feels like she is failing at everything.  That's kind of how I feel right now.  I go through the motions of work, go pick up the kids, take them to their activities and fall into bed.  The only pure enjoyment I have is working my Scentsy business and snuggling in bed with my Kindle.  I feel like a total failure as a mother probably because my oldest is constantly making me feel like a shitty mother.  I feel like I am constantly trying to make her happy and no matter what I do, she is never satisfied and always wanting more.

I feel overworked and underappreciated.  Yes, I am 99% of the population and that's why I feel so silly even posting this.  But the fact is that I just don't give a rat's ass about anything anymore.  That is not like me.  My mom always told me that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing 100%.  I try to live with that motto but man am I failing at it lately.

Don't care what happens at work.  Don't really care what happens at home.  Don't really care about how the girls are doing in school.  Don't care if we have food in the house (there's always Jack in the Box down the street).  I am just going through the motions.  I sat at a recent PTA meeting and just stared off into space.  Didn't have anything of value to add and I just sat there because a seat needed to be filled.

The last few days I keep telling myself something is missing in my life, but I can't figure out what it is.  I feel unsettled.  Would a new job help?  Probably not because that just adds more stress and I don't want to learn another job.  Would a new car help?  Probably not because then I would be pissed off about a new car payment.  Would new children help?  Probably not because I don't want to go through the infant stage again.  Even though my children drive me crazy to no end, we're halfway to getting them out of the house so why would I want to start over?  Would a new house help?  I have been really giving this a lot of thought lately.  But then just thinking of the daunting task of getting our house ready to sell and trying to find that dream home just sends me back to bed and into my reading hole.  Would me staying at home trying to expand my Scentsy business help?  I think I would be happier if I could stay home and do this, but I was a stay at home mom several years ago and it financially ruined us.  I would hope that if I decided to stay home, that I learned a lesson and at least worked part time to supplement my income.  But then that just adds stress to me and some guilt on my part because I don't want Geek Boy to feel like he has to take on the financial burden.

So there you have it....If you are texting me, emailing me, Facebooking me and I'm not responding it's probably because I don't feel like socializing.  The only time I feel like doing any of the above is when I'm working on Scentsy.  So unless you're wanting to place an order, host a party, or join my team I probably won't get back with you...LOL